Are you all bloody mad?
by Apolla2
Summary: After rediscovering a seventh year bet, Captain Ronald Weasley comes up with a plan to get Auror Harry Potter and Auror Hermione Granger together before he goes insane or looses 500 gallions
1. the things we remeber

A/N: I'm kind of putting this up without a clue where it's going, so any sort of criticism (or saying you love it) or ideas are welcome! So read, enjoy, and review.  
  
"Bloody hell."  
  
"What captain?" A cheery Colin Creevy asked. Of course Colin had grown up quite a bit. He had lost his camera and grown a couple of feet. He was asking this of Captain Ronald Weasley, who was at this moment bent over his desk a rubbing his temples.  
  
He sighed an anguished sigh. "Would they just get it over with. I mean honestly, they've been dancing around it for ages and it's giving me bloody headache."  
  
Now normally when one enters a conversation without the use of proper names, one is lost, but Colin knew what the problem was. They all had just gone through another Arour meeting in which Hermione and Harry had spent the entire thing side by side, sending each other unconscious glances, and volunteering to work together while blushing horribly. It wouldn't be so bad if they weren't each twenty years old and acting like first years wit crushes. Besides, at this age they shouldn't blush.  
  
"Well, cap', maybe they'll finally get wind of their stupidity on this mission." Colin sat on the paper-strewn desk.  
  
"Oh please! They haven't caught wind of it for years, why start now. You remember, we still have bets from the Gryffindor tower going on when they'll get together. And don't call me cap'" He popped a muggle aspirin in his mouth.  
  
"Right. I had fifty galleons on graduation night. Dean is quite the bookie."  
  
Ron's head popped up from his arms. He snapped open his desk drawer and ripped through it.  
  
"What'ya looking for cap'?"  
  
"Don't call me cap'. Ah, this is it." He mumbled while pulling out a beaten looking, brown leather bound book. He blew off some dust and flipped it open. "Here it is. Look." He pointed to a weathered page.  
  
Colin bent over it and began reading. "Dear Journal, today Lavender showed me her...hmm cap' I never knew."  
  
Ron smacked him smartly on the head. "Below that."  
  
"I placed my bet on mission HH for the twentieth of May, when we're all twenty. Don't ask me why, but it seemed brilliant, now back to Lav." Colin earned himself another smack."Ow!" He rubbed the back of his head then began again. "Well, that's next week, but cap', with all due respect, you haven't been able to do anything about it so far, what can you do now?"  
  
"I don't know, but I'll think of something, I'm certainly not going to let Dean collect my money. Now get your mail boy butt of my rank-pulling desk, so I can earn my five-hundred Galleon bet back."  
  
"Okay cap'-"  
  
"And I order you to stop calling me cap!" He roared. Normally Ron roaring scared people, but Colin just stood there.  
  
"That's the idea!" Colin jumped off the desk and went beside Ron's head. His voice went silky smooth as he whispered in Ron's ear. "The moonlight." He moved to the other side of his head. "The music." Switching to the other ear once more. "A quiet bistro." Moving again. "A pair destined for love."  
  
"Colin if you're asking me out on a date you must be joking."  
  
"And you giving orders in the stakeout van. Ordering them into confession."  
  
Ron just stared at him for a moment. "You want me to use a potentially dangerous stakeout to win a bet while abusing my station as captain; that I got, mind you, because my best mate wanted to stay on patrol. The best mate I'll be sabotaging to win the bet." Ron stood up, trying to use his full height, trying to intimidate young Colin.  
  
Colin stood too. "Not sabotaging, helping. You're helping him win the girl he loves."  
  
Ron crossed his arms. "Colin that's mad. Bloody mad."  
  
He stood up and smacked Ron on the back. "And just mad enough to get your two best mates together and force the entire Gryffindor tower alumni into debt."  
  
Ron looked at him skeptically as he tried to count in his head how much he would win. "What's in it for you? Why are you helping me?"  
  
Colin looked at his feet and got a proper faux innocent look on his face. "Well," He started in a sickly sweet voice. "I've always admired Harry,"  
  
"And?"  
  
"And Hermione is, just the sweetest thing,"  
  
"And?" He growled.  
  
"And she's sweet, but she's not as sweet as Ginny, and not as sweet as a date with Gin would be, ordained, of course, by her older brother." The Weasley boys didn't take kindly to any suitors for Ginny.  
  
Ron's face quickly colored and just as quickly he went white with rage. He opened his mouth to say something, but Colin went on.  
  
"And maybe, just maybe, fifty percent of the winnings."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Colin, what happened to your nose?" Hermione asked, looking at the young boy's bruised and bandaged nose.  
  
"Hazardous working conditions, anyway Hermione, here for your briefing?" She nodded. "And where's your puppy?"  
  
"What?" Colin always got a kick out of the ever clever Hermione being genuinely confused.  
  
"You know, Raven haired boy, about yeh tall." He put up his hand a few inches above his head. "Follows you around like a puppy, would fetch you the paper and your slippers in his mouth if you told him to."  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about, but if you're wondering as to Harry's where-abouts he should be in at any moment."  
  
Harry stepped in just then. "What?"  
  
"Oh nothing, what have you got there?" Colin asked of the bundle Harry held in his arms.  
  
"Oh, nothing much, here Hermione." He untangled his own jacket from two other things he was holding. "You left your slippers at my house yesterday, and here's your copy of the prophet. I'm going to get some coffee, want any Mione?"  
  
"No, thank you." And with that he left the room.  
  
Colin looked pointedly at Hermione. "Don't look at me like that! They weren't in his mouth and I didn't ask him to get my paper, he just does."  
  
Colin's eyebrows went up. "Slippers? At his house? Yesterday?"  
  
Her hands went on her hips. "Do you want another bloody nose? We were painting his flat and I wore my slippers so I wouldn't get paint on my shoes. Honestly!" She threw her hands up in frustration.  
  
Ron walked in. "Colin giving you a hard time?"  
  
"Yes." She scowled.  
  
"Colin, get me coffee and the new prophet."  
  
"You have coffee in your hand and Hermione's got a new copy of the prophet right there, read that."  
  
"I would, but I'm trying tactfully to get you to leave, now go."  
  
"Aye aye captain. goodbye Mrs. Potter." He saluted to Ron and made a small bow to Hermione while winking at her.  
  
Once he closed the door Hermione addressed Ron. "I really do worry about that boy sometimes."  
  
"Which boy?" Harry came in and closed the door.  
  
"Oh, Colin. Well, never mind. Why don't you both have a seat." He gestured to the two chairs in front of his desk.  
  
"Yes Captain." Harry said grinning,  
  
"Oh ha ha. If you had been man enough to take this job and stop your gallivanting, you'd get a corner office too."  
  
"Oh please, and give up blessed freedom? Then again you could join us on the next mission. Clean up rouge death eaters, maybe even get a death threat or two."  
  
"You know, old times." Hermione finished for him.  
  
"I think having Colin as an assistant is enough of a death threat and we relive old times every time we get together. I happen to like an evening with butterbeer better than fighting death eaters who won't believe their master is dead."  
  
"Well if you won't join us, why don't you tell us what fun we'll be having?"  
  
"Oh yes, dangerous mission, this one is. You're spot will be the outdoor lounge of materias del amor."  
  
"The Spanish restaurant in London? That's not exactly a crime bed, and I don't think we have a chance of closing it down for inquires." Hermione said.  
  
"No, we're not closing it down., but it is a hot spot for death eaters. They're drawn to the exclusive reputation."  
  
"And the Empanadas." Harry added, earning a slap in the arm from Hermione.  
  
"No, Harry's right. They have great Empanadas. Anyway, you two will act like you're on a date-"  
  
"WHAT?" They said in unison.  
  
"What? What is a better chance to get revenge than your rival's date?"  
  
"Strategically it's good, but I just don't think..."  
  
"It could go seriously wrong Ron." Harry finished. "We're too good of friends, we can't act like we're on a date."  
  
"You've been on thousands of dates Harry, you're Witch Weekly's number one charmer, of course you can have a play date."  
  
"That may be true, but what about me? I've got no experience with him on any other ground than friendship. Besides that, you have realized since we have only been seen as friends by the media; this will only be seen as friendly rendezvous."  
  
"That is why I have taken the liberty of setting up a Witch Weekly story on our only female auror and what it's taken you to get there, not to mention your personal life. They have been asking for your story since the week after the dark lord fell. A hero sells and they know it. It also helps if the hero is best friends with the boy-who-lived."  
  
"I refuse! Ron you can't do this to me. You'll be feeding me to the wolves. Do you know what Witch Weekly does to women like me?"  
  
"No, but you'll be able to tell me all about it once you get done with your photo shoot."  
  
Harry was sitting quietly in his chair trying desperately not to start into hysterics, but with all his efforts his face was turning blue and his shoulders were shaking uncontrollably.  
  
"Do you find this funny?" Hermione faced him.  
  
Harry finally burst. The room practically shook with his laughing. When he finally composed himself he looked at her with a blank expression. "No Hermione, why would you think that?"  
  
"That's it, I am most definitely not doing this. It's depraved. It's wrong. I refuse." Hermione folded her arms. 


	2. the things we'd like to forget

"That's it, I am most definitely not doing this. It's depraved. It's wrong. I refuse." Hermione folded her arms.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Hermione walked swiftly through the bent skyscraper that housed the Witch Weekly offices. Even if she was facing imminent doom, there was no reason to be late, that's just rude.  
  
After a small journey she found herself faced with a stained glass set of double doors, the stained parts spelled out 'With Weekly Enterprises". She went for the door knob and started to turn, but it resisted. She tried again, no luck.  
  
"Alohomora." Still nothing.  
  
"Try as you might, my dear, but you're not getting in here with those shoes." A snooty sounding voice said.  
  
"Excuse me?" Hermione was quite offended, she liked those shoes.  
  
"You heard me. Those shoes are atrocious, and who told you gray was your color? They should be A.K'd."  
  
"Harry likes these trousers on me!" She growled. All the other enchanted objects, like the mirrors at Hogwarts, had likes her and her trousers.  
  
"Maybe he didn't like the trousers so much as the panties in the trousers?" The little cheeky voice said.  
  
Hermione was outraged. "Harry isn't like that!"  
  
"That's what they all say lassie." It taunted.  
  
"Sod off Mayble, don't aggravate the guests." A smooth voice said from behind her. "I'm sorry, the door has a horrible sense of humor, Hermione?"  
  
"Lavender?" Lavender Brown stood next to her, wearing a short skirt, trendy blouse, and a lavender fedora covering her blonde curls.  
  
"I haven't seen you in ages! You must be here for an interview."  
  
"Yes, but I can't seem to get in."  
  
"No worries," She turned to the door. "Fedoras." She stated, she turned back to Hermione. "Anyone who works here has to know what's in this week, that's always the password." She said in explanation.  
  
"Oh," After a few seconds of silence Hermione started again. "What do you do here?" Hermione asked.  
  
"I'm a trend spotter and occasionally I do the dating advice column, Trelawny's class had it's uses, my inner eye spots trends." Hermione suppressed a snort. "I know you don't believe in it, but I just get this feeling sometimes and I know what to buy."  
  
"Wouldn't that be fashion sense?"  
  
"Please! That's just muggle folklore, don't be so daft girl." Hermione glared, but Lavender didn't notice. "Anyway, I was very surprised to see you here. I assumed you doing the interview was a rumor, you had a strictly hush hush stance on the whole war and your part in it."  
  
"Well, I honestly was sort of forced into this by Ron."  
  
Lav stopped mid step and paled a little. "R-Ron?" She recovered her color quickly. "What's Ron doing ordering you around?"  
  
Hermione sighed. "He's my Captain and uses full force, even ordering my personal affairs."  
  
Lavender fell back into step. "Right, I'm sure this is just a great idea to publicize some trap and manipulate the media."  
  
It was Hermione's turn to pale. "No, just a public image exercise."  
  
Lavender outright laughed. "You're a horrible liar. You've got to do better than that to get past the woman doing your interview. She'll twist even the best's words around."  
  
"Don't worry about me. I've dealt with worse." Hermione almost visibly shuddered when she thought of the dark days of Rita Skeeter.  
  
"Well, after this why don't we go to lunch? We should catch up."  
  
"Alright. I'm off for the rest of the day to recuperate from this painful experience, so what about three?"  
  
"I'll meet you in the lobby." Lavender said with a nod. "Here's my stop, yours is the next one over. See you in a few."  
  
"Bye."  
  
~~~  
  
Hermione walked into a door with the another set of stained glass, this one read "Interview Salon". She was anticipating an office with a messy desk and poster covered walls, like all the other reporters' offices she'd been in. She was sorely mistaken. She was greeted with a gray room, with a gray chair, and the most colorful woman she'd ever seen. Scratch that, she was slightly more colorful than when she'd seen her last.  
  
"Rita Skeeter, how nice to see you again." Hermione said, every word dripping with sarcasm, though she also raised an eyebrow and colored a bit.  
  
"Oh, you've heard of my sister? I'm Tallulah Skeeter, the younger one." She put a hand to her curls and flicked one behind her. It wasn't stiff, Hermione noted, these were real. Maybe she'd be better? Then she noted the three inch long, lime green nails that adorned her hand. Maybe she'd be worse.  
  
"I'm sure you want this to be as painless as possible, so I'll get you started on the photo shoot and we'll do the interview around it." She got up with a swish of her yellow robes and went to the wall. "Fashion Department."  
  
A strange tingle of bells all colors of the rainbow swirled and turned in the wall. Soon in cleared and the image of racks, desks, and a hodgepodge of papers and accessories. She saw a brunette with a sun dress walk up to the wall and open a rectangle of glass that turned out to be a door. "Follow me, I can tell we'll need a lot of work on you." Hermione glared at the back of her head. "LAVENDER!" She screeched.  
  
Lavender popped up again from behind one of the racks. This time she was wearing pin-stripe pants with a white blouse and a blue pine-stripe fedora.  
  
"Yes Talli? What can I do for my favorite reporter." Lavender said in a sickly sweet voice.  
  
Tallulah turned to the rack of clothes. The moment she turned Lavender caught Hermione's eye and mouthed "I told you I could lie."  
  
"Lavender?" Tallulah said shrilly.  
  
"Yes Talli?"  
  
"Why don't you get Miss Granger into something respectable and get her ready for the photo shoot?"  
  
"I'll be back in a moment, I have something perfect for her. Come on Mione." She grabbed Hermione's hand and dragged her away to a new room. This one was a dressing room filled with cosmetics and every wall was lined with a different color scheme of clothes.  
  
"Hermione, you've got it rough today." She threw something at her, which she deftly caught. "I didn't know they sicked Skeeter on you. She'll turn your words quicker than Fred and George will pull a prank on you. I thought they were going to give you to Marlin, she's at least decent, Skeeter is just cold."  
  
Hermione wasn't quite listening, she was just staring down at the clothes Lavender had handed her. "Where's the rest of it?"  
  
Lavender stopped digging through a closet full of shoes. "What?"  
  
"I said, Where is the rest of it?" Hermione held up the jacket and pants. "I seem to be lacking a shirt and quite a bit of trouser."  
  
"Just put it on and you'll see." Hermione turned to go to the changing stall. "Oh, and don't wear a bra."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just trust me."  
  
~~~  
  
"Miss Granger?" Tallulah asked harshly through the dressing room door. "Miss Granger we'll need to start soon."  
  
"Hear that Hermione? You'll need to come out." Lavender taunted.  
  
"I'm going to apperate out of here. No one is ever going to see me in this."  
  
"No, you're not going to leave, it's not permitted and you know it. Not to mention that once Andre' starts on the shoot everyone is going to see you in it. you'll look ravishing, I know it."  
  
"Miss Granger?"  
  
"Come on Mione, I've see Tallulah rip through a door to get to a guest, it's only a matter of time."  
  
"You're lying."  
  
"Miss Granger, come out now or so help me..."  
  
"All right, all right, you weren't lying." Hermione peeked out of the door.  
  
"MISS GRANGER!" Tallulah screeched.  
  
"Ron, you will pay for this." She muttered as she took her step out into the open.  
  
A/N: Okay, this wasn't quite as funny, but the next chapter should be oodles of fun. Hermione is going to go insane, Harry is coached, and we'll see what our little hero is thinking. Not to mention the insanity that will ensue once we get Lavender and some naughty underwear together. So keep reading, have fun, and review (it gives me warm and fuzzies.)  
  
THANK YOU REVIEWERS!!!! I love you guys! 


	3. Things that hurt us

A/N: I forget disclaimers like I forget homework assignments so don't expect too many. I don't own anything but my ideas. So there! Have fun and read.  
"That's cheating Ron." Dean scolded, his head pointing out of the Fireplace.  
"No it isn't, I remember that contract you made us sign. It said any forms of cheating were, and I quote: 'Using Love potions, unforgivable curses, or any other form of fabricating love and confession.' Sound familiar?" Ron taunted, knowing soon he would get his money.  
"Yes, I knew letting Neville draw that up was a bad idea." He said under his breath. "It still isn't above-board."  
"How so?" Ron leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head, grinning.  
"You're going to be ordering them."  
"Yes, but not in what to say, that's just wrong." Dean rolled his eyes. "So am I getting a cheque or cash?"  
"What if this doesn't work?"  
"Of course it will work-" Just then the door burst open, it was Harry.  
"Ron this won't work. We need to rethink this plan."  
"I'll just wait a while before I make any cheques" With that Dean popped out of the fire place.  
Ron turned his chair to face Harry. "What's the problem?"  
Harry looked and felt harassed. His world was falling down around him and his face showed it. His usual dark coloring went pale at the mere mention of this "date". The boy-who-lived had a case of nerves, and he had them bad.  
"Everything's the problem! I can't do this Ron. It just won't work."  
Ron almost broke into hysterics. His friend was going insane over one little faux date. The most suave (when not on the dance floor), the most handsome, the most debonair boy in Hogwarts was having a nervous attack at the mere mention of a date with Hermione.  
"Just sit down and tell Ron all about it." Ron said patting the edge of the desk in a fatherly manner.  
Harry fell into a chair sideways, so he was lying on it, his feet sticking out over the side. He cradled his head in his hands and sighed the sigh of a man knowing he's going to be lead to the gallows. "She's my friend, Ron, my friend. You know, the best mate Hermione that paints my flat, that could care less if I called her after we had dinner, not the girl I don't call in the morning." Harry looked pleadingly into Ron's eyes, willing him to understand.  
Ron was having far to much fun toying with him to let him know he knew exactly what he was saying, so he blinked and gave him a confused look.  
"You know how I seem to go out on many dates, right?" Ron nodded. "Most I don't even want to go on, but people see that I'm not dating anyone a decide to fix me up with their cousins, it's a vicious circle." Ron nodded again, mentally grinning when he remembered Mad-Eye Moody fixing Harry up with his niece "Crazy Leg" Linda. needless to say it didn't work well. "Do you want to know why I don't do well on dates, why I haven't gone steady with anyone for any amount of time?" Harry's voice was growing with every syllable. "Do want to know why?"  
Ron shrugged. "Why?"  
"Because I've already found her and I'm too big of a git to just walk up tell her. Because I'm such a coward that I think that if I even touch her the wrong way or say the wrong thing our relationship, friendly and other wise will be over!" He slammed his hand down on the desk, scattering papers and making Ron's picture of Ginny fall down on it's face.  
"Well don't take it out on Ginny."  
Harry sighed and put his head back into his hands. "Don't you even want to know who it is?" His muffled voice said.  
"Well sure, if you think you can say it without doing any damage to my desk."  
"Git." Was his reply. Then after a few seconds there was some sort of mumbling came through his hands.  
"Excuse me?"  
"Mermiomoe"  
"What?"  
"Mermione."  
"Come again?"  
"HERMIONE YOU FLAMING ARSE! I'M IN LOVE WITH BLEEDING HERMIONE!" Harry roared.  
"Well now that that's out of the way, I'd like to move on to the real problem now." Ron said briskly, stacking papers that had been moved and righting the picture of Ginny.  
"What's the real problem then? I happen to have a good a decent problem right here, if you wouldn't mind."  
"What's the problem, you love her."  
"The problem is I certainly can't tell her and I'm not going to make a complete fool of myself doing the whole date song and dance when I won't be able to go out on another one."  
"There's absolutely no problem."  
"How can you say that? I can't tell her now because what if she doesn't feel the same, there goes our friendship; if I don't this date will be hell."  
"Here is where you let the genius upper management help my naive friend." He diligently ignored the look Harry was giving him. "You go on this date, be the best you can be, date wise, and at the end of it you tell her how you feel. If she doesn't feel the same it was all part of the act. If she responds positively, then more power to you."  
Harry looked doubtful (as well he should). "What if I do something wrong?"  
"I'll coach you, you'll look dashing and do everything a girl wants you to on a date."  
"Since when are you Don Juan?"  
"Since forever, you've just been too blind to notice my inexplicable sense with women."  
"Inexplicable is right." He said under his breath.  
  
Hermione sat motionless, silently cursing people. Ron for making her go on this mission, this sadist behind her, for poking and prodding her hair, Lavender for giving her an outfit (if it can be called that) that amounted to nothing, and Tallulah Skeeter, for trying to ask her baited questions.  
Oh and were they baited. "As one of the few female aurors, how do you stay feminine?"  
"I don't find I need women around me to know what I am and what I'm not."  
"A bit cryptic."  
"Not at all. I know I'm a woman, I know my needs, whether I'm with Harry and Ron or with Ginny and Padma."  
"Who are Harry and Ron?" She said, with the tone of voice a younger sibling uses when your boyfriend calls.  
"Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, my friends."  
"Are they just friends?"  
Hermione gripped the arms of the seat. "Of course they are. I've been friends with them since I was eleven." Then she remember why she came and was going through all this pain. (Speaking of pain, the woman doing her hair while all this was going on might have been using the cruciatus curse for all it hurt.) She quickly thought of something to say before Skeeter moved on. "Though Harry and I are going to dinner at malterias del amour." She said in her best "flighty tart" voice.  
"Really? When? Why?" She took the bait whole heartedly.  
"The twentieth, just as friends of course." She lied transparently, forcing a blush.  
Tallulah did just what she should and ate it up. "Reeealy?"  
"Oh, nothing's going on. We're just friends."  
"Oh, of course Miss Granger. I think I have all I need now, why don't we get started on the shoot?"  
  
~~~  
  
The wizard named Andre` began to order people around like he was dictator. "More eyeliner, we want her to look sexy and smoky eyed, Genevieve, not like she has black marker around her eyes! Put that down Mindy, don't you think about another coat of that stuff you call lipstick, she'll look like she got in a fight with a box of crayons. Lavender, after this I'm restricting your right to put pin-stripes on anyone! They are over used and will be out of style by the next issue. What's with the fedoras? Miss Granger take your hands off the jacket! You have the perfect stomach and we're going to use it!"  
Hermione took her ands off her jacket as if it were Dumbledore himself telling her to do something. This man was on a rampage. But she felt so bare. She had on an pin striped jacket too small for her, no shirt, matching trousers, and fedora.  
Andre` walked up to her and pulled her trousers down. He looked into her eyes and said: "You have an auror's stomach, you have hips; you have the equipment, find the manual." He tugged again so that now her trousers were down to her underwear line.  
Hermione nodded dumbly, feeling rather exposed and cold. Just when she thought it couldn't get worse, he came up to her with double sided tape. "Miss Granger, you may find this rather odd, but it will help in the end. This is a muggle trick so sit tight." He did something no man would ever do again. He took a long strip of tape and, well, you'll understand.  
All she could think was, "Ron will pay dearly."  
  
"What did you say?"  
"I must've missed that sight?" Harry tried.  
"Riiight, just remember I'm trying to help you." He got up and moved a chair next to Harry's and sat in it, crossing his legs. "Now pretend I'm Hermione."  
Harry stared for a moment. "I'm sorry Ron, I just can't do that."  
"Fine." He uncrossed his legs and pulled out his wand. "Sonurus, COLIN, COME INTO MY OFFICE" Ron's spell enhanced voice bellowed.  
"Warn me before you do that." Harry whined rubbing his ears.  
"SORRY, QUIETUS." Harry just rolled his eyes.  
In a matter of seconds Colin was coming through the door. "Yes, Great and Powerful Oz? Anything I can do? Any Witches to be killed?"  
"No, but one to be imitated. My poor boy here wants to know how to act on the date and we need a stunt Hermione."  
Colin jumped into Harry's lap, he began in a squeaky voice: "Oh you're just so strong I want to hug you and kiss you and-"  
"Hush Colin, there's children in the room." Ron chided.  
Harry stood up, knocking Colin to the ground. "Someone else, anyone else. Get me Mad-Eye Moody for Merlin sake, just anyone else."  
"Anyone?" Ron asked.  
"Anyone."  
"All right, you just might be sorry about this."  
  
A/N: Kisses and hugs to anyone who reviews. I'm messing around with the story a bit. There will be some fun little things coming up (Lavender will become a fun character.) Like I said before, Harry gets coached, Lavender gets Hermione in trouble, and we get to see what Tallulah wrote. Not to mention the pictures. Fun fun! So review and make me feel good!  
  
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself." Rita Mae Brown. 


	4. Me, embaressed, never

After the smoke had cleared and the screams stopped, Lavender sat, twiddling her thumbs, on a bench, in the lobby. She sat, wondering about the past. There was a time, long ago, when she and Ron dated. Unlike most girls, she wasn't wondering why they broke up, (because honestly she couldn't remember and didn't want to try) she was wondering why Ron was so anxious to get Harry and Hermione together. She knew for a fact no death eaters set foot in whatever restaurant they were going to, so this could only be for some reason that Lavender couldn't pin point at this time. All she could think to do was help.  
  
"Wait a tick..." She muttered, digging in her hand bag. She pulled open her lavender planner thumbed through the pages. "That dirty rotten CHEAT!" She screeched.  
  
"That's a bit harsh to say about your planner." Hermione said beside her. "I mean you're the one who put things into it."  
  
Lavender snapped it shut. "You know for being the brightest girl in the class, you're a bit dim."  
  
Hermione laughed. "How does that work out?"  
  
Lavender laughed too. "I guess it doesn't." She paused. "So how was your first photo shoot?"  
  
"Horrible. Andre hated me, Skeeter got on my nerves, and the clothes..." Hermione sighed.  
  
"You looked good enough to shag, Skeeter would provoke Gandhi into a smart slap, and André's like a kitten, he bits when he loves you." Lavender smiled sweetly.  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "At least not all men are like kittens." She muttered.  
  
"I bet you wouldn't care if Harry bit you." She said slyly.  
  
"Lavender that's dirty."  
  
She shrugged. "Like I care. Now you can hear a lot more of my dirty mind while we eat lunch. I know the best cafe in Estrogen Ally."  
  
~~~~~~  
  
"Ginny, is this really necessary?" Harry whined. He really had no right to. He had said anyone and Ginny did know quite a bit about Hermione, and so did Hermione's friends at the office, all fifteen of them. Besides, it wasn't Mad-eye.  
  
"Harry, you've got to see this like we do. We're helping! We want you to succeed. Ron stop snickering." Ginny scolded. Ron looked like he was having the time of his life while Harry looked as though he would be sick. The women in the building, and a few men were in Ron's office, giving advice on how to woo Hermione while Ginny was transfiguring his trousers and shirt into a respectable suit.  
  
"Now you want to bring flowers, no doubt, she'll like that." Someone from shipping said.  
  
"I don't know, this is Hermione, why don't you bring her a book." Everyone chuckled.  
  
"Ooh, bring her an engraved diary, girls like that." Colin offered.  
  
"Very thoughtful Colin." Ginny smiled.  
  
"Colin get out." Ron said flatly.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because."  
  
Ginny caught Colin's eye and Colin winked. Ginny was casting a spell and when Colin winked she slipped and the trousers she was working on popped out of existence, reveling scarlet boxers with moving snitches.  
  
"That answers one question." A woman from the mail room said loudly.  
  
Harry turned a notable shade of red. Ron just sighed. "Ginny, I know you enjoy seeing Harry in his boxers, but was that really necessary?" Ginny scowled and made to make a reply, but Ron cut her off. "Why don't you get his trousers back and we'll go to a real store if this suit is so important." He turned to the assembled group. "Now why don't you all get back to work? That's why we're here, right? RIGHT? Go now!" He said. Everyone began milling around, taking their time, taking lingering glances at Harry's boxers. "Why don't we plat a game? It's called 'get out of Ron's office in five seconds or you all get pink slips' Five, four three," The last person got out and slammed the door.  
  
"That was clever Cap'"  
  
"Colin, TWO!"  
  
"But Cap!"  
  
"TWO AND A HALF!"  
  
"Later Harry." Colin said quickly and shut the door.  
  
~~~  
  
Lavender had been right, it was a great cafe. All the waitresses were very talkative and tended to get into conversations. As Lavender had promised, she tried to teach Hermione how to flirt, lie, and "close the deal" as Lavender put it, though Hermione turned very red at that point and stopped listening.  
  
Lavender had left to the powder room and when she returned, she found Hermione was the center of attention.  
  
"Just be natural, guys like natural." The red-headed waitress said.  
  
"Yes, but not too natural, you don't want him to think you're not feminine." The woman with glasses said knowingly.  
  
"Though you can't be too feminine, he'll think you can't do a thing for yourself."  
  
"But don't do everything yourself, that's even worse."  
  
Hermione didn't know weather to take notes or yell at them to get out of her business. For now she just sat and nodded dumbly.  
  
"So what's he like?" A voice asked from the crowd that had assembled.  
  
"Oh he is wonderful. I've known him for quite a few years, that's why it's so hard."  
  
A smooth "Aww" went through the crowd.  
  
"He's really quite brave. He is always the most gallant. He laughs at people's jokes and smiles when people smile at him. He really is an all around nice guy, but I've seen him fierce too. He's defended me and kept my sprits up when I was low, but he's also fought for my life."  
  
"What does he look like? He must be ugly, there are no nice handsome men anymore." A very nasal voice commented.  
  
"No he's very handsome. He has dark hair that's so deep a black it's almost purple, and green eyes like emeralds."  
  
"Sounds like the dream guy."  
  
"Oh he is, that's what makes it so hard to go on this date. I may botch something and ruin all we have."  
  
A sigh went through the crowd. Then someone piped up. "What's his name?"  
  
Lavender began to sift through the crowd to get back to the table before she could answer it.  
  
"Harry-"  
  
"Stienman, Harry Stienman's his name."  
  
"You're a lucky woman, from the sounds of it he looks almost like Harry Potter." one voice commented.  
  
"Oh, Harry Potter is one full man." Another said.  
  
"Oh Yeah, if I saw him right now I'd-"  
  
"Hush Mary, there's children in the room." 


	5. dazed and confused

"How about this?" Ron picked up a powder blue suit.  
  
"Your sister is right, you are insane." Harry said flatly.  
  
"All right, this is the rest of your life, not mine. If you're going to take my sister over me-"  
  
"Any day, any time, Ron." Harry finished for him.  
  
"Sick puppy, you don't know about my sister." Ron shook his head, then perked up. "Ooooh, what about this?" He said, holding up a Green dress.  
  
"Ron that's a dress."  
  
"No, it's a robe." Ron said smugly.  
  
"No, it's a dress, a muumuu at that." Harry fingered it distastefully  
  
"Fine, but you can't say no to leather." Ron help up a lime green leather jacket, covered in rhinestones. "This is even in your color."  
  
"Don't ever say that's my color." Harry turned from his crestfallen friend to the stacks of dress shirts. he held up a gray one to himself and looked into a mirror connected to a square pillar.  
  
"Hmm."  
  
~~~  
  
"Hermione, DON'T say you're about to catch one of the most eligible bachelors in the wizarding world in front of a room full of women who haven't touched a man in years, it's just not bright." Lavender said while picking up clothes left and right.  
  
"What are you doing?" Hermione asked meekly as Lavender held a shirt up to her. Hermione usually had a fiery spirit, but Lavender was something else, not to be toyed with. Hermione knew this well. So she just leaned in submission against a stack of rack of shirts and toyed with the sleeve of a purple one.  
  
"Hermione dear?" Lavender asked sweetly.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Who would you hate seeing right now?"  
  
"Malfoy, a death eater of any kind, and Harry." Hermione said looking up. She instantly gasped.  
  
"Why don't you take this and go in the dressing room." Lavender handed her a stack of clothes.  
  
Hermione grabbed them and ran to the nearest opening in the wall, willing Harry not to see her.  
  
~~~  
  
"So," Lavender purred. "Why do you think someone's best friend would get him together with his other best friend?"  
  
Ron was still folding another shirt option, not looking up. "I haven't the foggiest."  
  
"That's funny Ronnikins. I seem to remember an ugly bet and an angry bookie. That isn't the way to go about love."  
  
Ron looked up and glared. "Not that you would know how to go about love." He sneered.  
  
"Please, you're the one who called it off. And besides, that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about you being a complete wanker and sabotaging your friends." She said, jamming her finger into his chest, as if he weren't aware it was him she was talking about.  
  
Ron pushed her hand away. "No, we and NOT talking about me being a wanker, we're talking about- hey, how do you know about that?"  
  
"You admit to being a wanker? Finally! If you had said that when we were going out I wouldn't have left you."  
  
Ron made stopping gestures. "Oh no! You didn't leave me, I left you."  
  
"Are you trying to flag down a plane? Put your arms down! I left you!"  
  
~~~  
  
Hermione threw the clothes into the corner bench and hastily shut the door. She leaned against it, breathing in and out, waiting for her heart rate to slow.  
  
"It's been about fifty years since I've seen a woman," A smooth masculine voice said. "And never one so scared."  
  
Hermione turned white, then her color returned. "Excuse me? Why is there a male mirror in the women's dressing room?" The second it came out of her mouth she instantly regretted it. She rubbed her eyes and sighed. "I'm in the men's room, aren't I?"  
  
"Yes, mon chairee, but that's no reason to leave. You obviously came in here because you're in a rush, so why don't you change?"  
  
Hermione looked at the large mirror warily.  
  
"Don't be such a prude, I won't look!"  
  
After a moment Hermione said, "Alright." reaching for one of the shirts.  
  
"Er, excuse me?"  
  
"Yes?" She said, sounding harassed.  
  
"Not that I was looking or anything, but you should really go with the lacey thing first. It seems that that is what should be going under clothes."  
  
Hermione picked it up. "I'm going to kill Lavender."  
  
"Why? It's certainly your color."  
  
~~~  
  
Harry peered around the pillar. He saw a flash of brown hair coming from the men's changing room. He'd know that hair anywhere, but why was she going into the men's room?  
  
Intrigued he followed, slowly stepping around the displays.  
  
Once he was inside he heard voices.  
  
"Oh that's sexy, defiantly right for the occasion." A man purred.  
  
"Do you really like it? I think it's too tight." He heard Hermione's voice.  
  
"No, very Shaggable, but not too slutty."  
  
"I can't believe I'm wearing this, much less modeling it."  
  
All right, who was this person? Who was in there with her? Who was she modeling for? All this burned Harry, but he didn't get a chance to simmer for long. He heard Ron's yelling.  
  
"YOU- YOU-YOU.-" It sounded like he was looking for a word.  
  
"WE'VE GATHERED THAT IT'S ME!" He heard a female screech.  
  
"YOU-YOU SCARLET WOMAN!" Harry almost started laughing then, scarlet woman; who uses that?  
  
The next thing he heard was a Ron yell out in pain. Harry forgot why he was there and started running.  
  
He found on staring blankly out into the women's section.  
  
"Mate? What's wrong?"  
  
Ron put his hand up to his eye, were there seemed to be the beginnings of a very impressive black eye. "I love that woman."  
  
~~~ 


	6. Jinxs and misinformation

The whispers and giggles started hours before Hermione had arrived at the office. What had also arrived, hours before, was that weeks edition of 'Witch Weekly'. The featured a very revealing picture of Hermione with the caption, 'The Sultry Siren of the Aurors Guild, how Hermione Granger (the Dragon Tamer) has wowed the world, including the tamer of her heart. More on page ten.'.  
  
"Scandalous really, I always thought Hermione was a good girl." One was heard saying.  
  
"Never knew she had those!" Another (male) said.  
  
"Hermione's getting married?" Was the buzz of shipping.  
  
"Harry's getting married?" The mail room cawed.  
  
"Who said they were getting married?" Ginny asked the coffee girl.  
  
"Who said we were getting married?" Harry asked as he slammed down that copy of Witch Weekly on Ron's desk. "I blame you for this, obviously."  
  
He was holding his copy sideways with what seemed to be a fold out picture in front of his face. "Me? Well I did tell her to drop hints, but then again Hermione's never been subtle, wait a tick, here it is." He said righting the magazine. "'Interview by Tallulah Skeeter, pictures by Andre`.' Man's a genius." He said under his breath.  
  
"I heard that, she's apparently my fiancée, so no ogling."  
  
"I wasn't ogling, all I meant is the picture was tasteful." He said, then under his breath added. "And dead sexy."  
  
"Don't act like I can't hear you! Keep it to yourself please."  
  
"All right, all right, Mr. Hermione Granger (Don't you glare at me, you're under her thumb, you know as well as I.) with a Skeeter on the job Hermione could have said she was going to drinks and Skeeter hears 'I've seduced him and we're going for dates in June.' Which is apparently what she heard, listen to this." Ron cleared his throat. "'While Ms. Granger sits quietly across from me, wringing her hands nervously, one can only imagine that she's been sworn to secrecy. This fire-sprite of a woman is only thrown into submission by the mention of, the boy who lived, Harry Potter. Could this be a profession of love? Could this high profile couple be the one holding a reservation for the 'Materias del amour', number one proposal restaurant of London? Could Harry Potter be the one that made a sizable purchase at Chelsea's number one wizarding diamond export? I suppose we'll find out in June.'" Ron lowered his magazine. "What did you buy at Chelsea's?"  
  
"Your mother's birthday gift."  
  
"Oh bullocks! That's tomorrow isn't it?" Ron said, smacking his head.  
  
"How do you forget your mother's birthday?"  
  
"It's a lot easier than it sounds."  
  
Harry began ticking things off his fingers. "Bill's birthday is February ninth, Charlie's is March fifteenth, Percy's is June eighth-"  
  
"I get the point. I don't know weather to take notes or fire you for being a smart arse."  
  
"I'd say you reimburse me for the gift I bought your mother that has your name on the card."  
  
"You bought my mother a gift for me?"  
  
"Well technically you bought the necklace, I bought the earrings, or at least that's what the card says."  
  
"I'd kiss you if that weren't Hermione's job." Ron said fondly.  
  
"It's not my job!" Hermione said storming in.  
  
"I should really get a sound proof office." Ron muttered while Hermione went on.  
  
"If I get one more whistle or one more disapproving look I'm going to jinx the entire place!"  
  
"Well, I'm just wondering how mum will feel when she finds out your not going to propose at the Burrow. Bill did, Charlie did, and I'm assuming if any girl could stand Percy, he'd propose there too. It seems to be tradition." Right then it was hard to tell who was glaring harder, Hermione or Harry.  
  
"Or one more jab at my relationship with Harry." Growled Hermione.  
  
~~~  
  
It was three hours afterward when they got Ron's mouth back to normal. Hermione had retired to the break room, muttering something about it being more peaceful that way. Ginny wandered in looking weary. Hermione looked up from her brooding and beckoned her to the couch.  
  
"Rough day?" Hermione asked sympathetically.  
  
"Awful. No one will look up from that blasted article long enough to get any work done. No offence, but you and Harry's relationship isn't exactly show-stopping."  
  
"I wish everyone had your outlook."  
  
"I know this is all some scam, but do you really love him?"  
  
Hermione took a second then sighed. "I suppose it's no use to pretend, is it? I mean the rest of the world thinks he's proposing."  
  
"You could have done worse. For a moment there I thought you were going to pick Ron." Both of them took a second to shiver. "Of course there's nothing wrong with him." Ginny looked as though she were biting back laughter for the sake of her brother's honor, the good little girl she is. "He is a perfectly nice chap, a stalwart fellow-" Then she dissolved into laughter. "Who am I kidding. I know him best, as his sister, and I would have smacked you good and hard if I had to be bridesmaid at that wedding. Harry is, well he is perfect for you, intelligent, obliging, handsome, sexy as all hell, you might as well tattoo 'Take me home to your mother, then shag me senseless' on his forehead."  
  
"You're of course talking about me, correct?" Colin came bouncing in.  
  
Ginny rolled her eyes. "Oh of course, because you just fit the bill for that one."  
  
Colin thumped his chest. "Always thought so me-self. I've even considered tattooing something similar on my forehead, though I would leave out the, 'take me home to your mother' bit." Colin winked at Ginny. "Then again if you weren't talking about me, I suspect, with the lovely Hermione here, you were speaking of her own sweetheart of choice."  
  
Ginny fielded this one. "Yes, actually."  
  
"Well he is a fine bloke, got to sit on his lap once." Colin said wistfully. "I remember when I first saw him, blonde hair, blue eyes, tall and handsome, I said this was the perfect man for Ginny, I was looking in the mirror at the time, of course."  
  
"And what about Harry?" Ginny inquired, turning a bit red at the ears.  
  
"Oh, for you? Well it would be a bit sticky with Hermione getting proposed to and all, you might have to seduce him after the marriage, but I wouldn't advise it; Hermione's got some wicked spells under her belt. I don't think you could manage."  
  
It was hard to tell who jinxed him first, but needless to say, after the curse-breakers finished with Ron, they had another down the hall.  
  
~~~  
  
Harry was shooed out of the office by the people trying to fix Ron. He was torn between telling them what curse it was and enjoying the look on Ron's face. He decided to let the curse-breakers do what they do, but with Hermione's handy work, they'd be there for a while.  
  
He wandered aimlessly for a bit, not really knowing what to do with himself. There was no work to be done and no one he needed to see. He wasn't sure that after what he heard in the changing room he entirely wanted to talk to Hermione; her new flame might some up and he wasn't sure he could deal with that.  
  
He wandered down a few more hallways and ended up outside of the coffee room, he stopped at the door upon hearing Ginny's voice.  
  
"-he is perfect for you, intelligent, obliging, handsome, sexy as all hell, you might as well tattoo 'Take me home to your mother, then shag me senseless' on his forehead."  
  
He wondered who she could be talking about when he heard Colin come through to door in the opposite hallway.  
  
"You're of course talking about me, correct?"  
  
He could almost hear Ginny roll her eyes. "Oh of course, because you just fit the bill for that one."  
  
Colin answered back. "Always thought so me-self. I've even considered tattooing something similar on my forehead, though I would leave out the, 'take me home to your mother' bit." Colin winked at Ginny. "Then again if you weren't talking about me, I suspect, with the lovely Hermione here, you were speaking of her own sweetheart of choice." Who? Who?  
  
Ginny fielded this one. "Yes, actually."  
  
"Well he is a fine bloke, got to sit on his lap once." Colin said wistfully. "I remember when I first saw him, blonde hair, blue eyes, tall and handsome-"  
  
Harry didn't get to hear anymore, someone came bounding up behind him, drowning out the voices.  
  
"Harry? Harry! We need you over here, someone's come in with a biting toaster that has tips as to where certain death eaters are. It's got a note saying no one can get them but you."  
  
"I'll be there in a second."  
  
"We need you now."  
  
~~~  
  
Early the next morning, before the sun was fully up, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron were at the office getting ready to leave for The Burrow. Several years back, Mrs. Weasley had put a no apperation charm on the house and the grounds, and since there are no safe points to apperate within ten miles of the place, due to muggles, and due to the fact Mr. Weasley's birthday present to his wife was a new fireplace, still under construction, it was easier to take a car.  
  
Harry handed Ron his bag to put in the car. "You do realize we could take the knight bus."  
  
"That batty thing? No thank you." Ron said, stuffing the suitcase into the boot.  
  
"This car ride will be fun. I can't wait to play with the radio." Ginny said.  
  
"I assume this means me and Harry in the back?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Unless you can't stand me." Harry said, half hoping it wasn't true.  
  
"Of course not." He was relived.  
  
"Um, Cap?" Colin asked, coming out to the car.  
  
"Don't call me Cap" Ron said absentmindedly, he was more worried about fitting his sister's case in the boot.  
  
"Yes, well, I was just wondering if, you know since you'll be gone for the next few days, if I could be Captain."  
  
"Um, yeah sure, Gin, what do you have in here? It feels like bricks."  
  
"Could I even sit in your office?"  
  
"Right, go away." He still wasn't paying attention.  
  
"Drink from your mini-bar?"  
  
"Sure, just leave."  
  
"Make-out with your sister?"  
  
"Yeah, sure just- Wait a minute!"  
  
"Ha ha! You said I could." Colin sang.  
  
"Ron looked at the boot then at Colin. "Reducto!" Colin shrunk to the size of an insect. Ron picked him up and turned to a near by assistant. "Tanya? Can you give this to Madaline? Tell her to put him in a jar until I come back, air hole optional."  
  
~~~ 


	7. Richard and Ronnikins?

A/N: Let me get my excuses out of the way, I'm very sorry for the delay of the chapter before last. I went on vacation, not to mention hitting a massive brick wall in my writing. I've since been better. To get some confusion out of the way, a wanker is a very negative term (I got a review asking what it was.), a British insult really. I'm hoping to put in more Lavender and Ron, actually this chapter concerns quite a bit of Lavender and Ron. I'm also quite sorry for the unabashed way I've written them totally out of character, it's not my fault honest, the invisible monkey made me do it!  
  
Right, so I love the reviews, keep them coming, they make me feel special. Use your imaginations and you can think of your own disclaimers for each chapter, you can make it a game. If the story is this screwed up I'm assuming J.K.R. doesn't own it, nor want it, but the characters are her's, I'm just borrowing them. Read, review, enjoy.  
  
It was two hours before they stopped at a gas station, by the insistence of Ginny, who had to go to the bathroom. Hermione got out to stretch her legs and Harry went to get some drinks. Ron was having too much fun fiddling with the radio, while Ginny wasn't, to get out.  
  
Hermione was wandering around, trying to get the crick out of her neck. She went over to the tire station then turned.  
  
"Ouch, watch it-" A man said, the looking up, his mouth fell open. "Hermione?"  
  
"Richard?" She said, disbelievingly, then he engulfed her in a big hug. She kissed his cheek, then pulled back, still in his embrace. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"On my way to London. I'm moving there. I hope you aren't moving back. I wanted to call on you."  
  
"Oh, no. I'm just on my way to a birthday party. One of my friends' from the boarding school's mother."  
  
"Ah, so, is he just a friend? Hmm?" He asked playfully.  
  
"Yes, you know full well my three best friends are male, you included, though I might be leaning toward someone..." Hermione blushed daintily.  
  
"Hermione?" She heard Harry from behind her. She pulled out of Richards grasp and took a step back to Harry.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Harry was eyeing Richard warily, anyone who made Hermione blush and giggle wasn't very high in Harry's books. His blonde hair and blue eyes unnerved him, also the hands that had been very tight on her waist. "Ginny's come back, but if you're still in a conversation, take your time." He forced a grin.  
  
"Richard, this is Harry Potter, one of my friends from Ho-er, the boarding school. Harry, this Richard Gray from my hometown, he's on his way to London."  
  
"Yes, Hermione and I used to be the terrors of the street. Mrs. Peters is still recovering, I think."  
  
Hermione gave a short laugh then started again. "Well I suppose you could say Harry, Ron and I were the terrors of our school." Hermione and Harry shared a smile.  
  
Harry put an unconscious arm around her waist and laughed. "Yeah, I guess we were."  
  
"Well, we better get back before Ron and Ginny blow up the radio. See you in London Richard, you've got my number." Hermione gave another hug and they returned to the car. Richard was in both their minds, but for different reasons entirely.  
  
~~~  
  
"Ron?" Ginny asked quietly, trying not to wake the sleeping two in the backseat.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Have you ever wondered about Lavender?"  
  
"No." He said flatly.  
  
"I mean you still have her picture, why don't you two just become friends again? You obviously don't hate her, just patch things up."  
  
Ron sighed. "I'm not going to go to her, she'll have to come to me."  
  
Ginny muttered something that sounded very much like 'pigheaded'.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Oh nothing."  
  
~~~  
  
All of them trudged to the door, it was about seven in the evening and they were all tired. Ron knocked half-heartedly on the door, the warm yellow light leaking from under it was welcome in the darkening twilight.  
  
The door opened and before Ron knew what hit him Bill had knocked him backwards.  
  
"Oy! What was that for?" Ron asked from the ground, rubbing his shoulder.  
  
"That was for not showing up to Homer's christening."  
  
"You named him Homer?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Yeah, I really like the Odyssey."  
  
Petra's Egyptian features showed up over Bill's shoulder. "We were going to name him Ron, but that was nixed after you didn't show."  
  
"You were going to name him after Ron? I think you're better off with Homer." Harry scoffed from the side.  
  
"I think so too." Petra agreed.  
  
"Harry was there, and he isn't even part of the family. Disgraceful." Bill sniffed.  
  
"Well, if you're done berating me, could someone help me up?"  
  
"Oh, I'll never be done berating you, dear brother, but I will help you up." Bill held out a hand and heaved him up. "So, we've been given the task of decorating the house before mum gets here. She's out with dad till tomorrow, around three. Percy, Charlie, and the twins will get here tomorrow."  
  
"Fantastic." Ron deadpanned.  
  
~~~  
  
Later that night...  
  
Bill kissed Petra on the forehead. "Why don't you go up to the room with Homer, Petty?"  
  
"All right B.B., don't keep me waiting." She warned playfully, with that she and the baby got up and mounted the stairs.  
  
When she was safely out of earshot Ron started. "B.B.? Petty?" He said patronizingly. "You two are sick."  
  
Bill laughed. "You call that sick? I remember catching you flooing Lavender. 'My little flower, sweetie-pie, sugar-lips?' You've done much worse."  
  
"Sugar-lips, Ron?" Hermione asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"How do you even remember her name? You get me and Ginny mixed-up!"  
  
"I liked that one, she had more brain than body. Better than that giggly mess you brought home last time; what was her name? Marta? Mary?"  
  
"Pamela." Harry supplied.  
  
"Yeah, that shag-toy of a girl. I doubt she had as many brains as clothes on her back, and I remember there wasn't much. Mum, offered her a coat because she looked cold."  
  
"Any one would be cold in one of Pamela's frocks." Hermione shot a disapproving look at Ron. Meeting that brash, air-headed, faux blonde was not one of the highlights of Hermione's life.  
  
"And beside that, you look so feminine, Ronnikins, it's easy to get mixed up with you and a girl." Bill added sweetly. "If you get a chance I'd patch it up with Lavender, then again, I doubt she'd take you back."  
  
All throughout that tirade, Ron hadn't gotten a word in edgewise to defend himself, not that it would have helped much. "Who needs insecurity issues when I've got a brother like you? If Charlie would have been here he would have defended me."  
  
Bill gave another hearty laugh. "Right, because Charlie is the good brother? You've got a rosy memory, apparently all those beatings by Charlie made you repress the memories, including all of them ending in me saving you or calling mum."  
  
Ron turned red. "Oh, right." He mumbled.  
  
"I'll remember that comment next time Lavender is over and needs impressing. You might not remember all the wrestling matches, but I do." Bill stood to go up after his wife. "I even remember the one with the underwear, if you catch my drift." Ron turned another notable shade of red. "Night all, see you at breakfast." He nodded to Hermione and Harry on the couch.  
  
"Night." They chorused.  
  
" 'One with the underwear'? Do tell." Harry said.  
  
~~~  
  
After Ron and Ginny had gone up to bed, Harry and Hermione were left talking. Harry was diligently trying to push the bathroom stop fiasco into the back of his mind, telling himself he was no one.  
  
"What did you think of that article?" Hermione asked, leaning her head on Harry's shoulder.  
  
"I was supposed to read it? I was too floored by the picture."  
  
Hermione reached her hand over and smacked the side of his head, then rested her hand on his shoulder. "The pictures were that bad?"  
  
Harry sighed. "Hermione, they were fantastic. I've never seen you looking better."  
  
She smiled. "You big liar, but false praise is better than none at all."  
  
"No, serious, but I'm curious."  
  
"About?"  
  
"How did they get that jacket to stay in place?"  
  
Hermione blushed then scowled. "You mean that extremely tiny pinstriped napkin Lavender set me up with? You don't want to know."  
  
"Lavender?"  
  
"Yes, she's their stylist."  
  
"I must pay her a compliment for that lovely outfit. Now, if you'd care to enlighten me, is that the strings of a blue thong I see poking out from the waistline. General curiosity, of course." Harry grinned.  
  
"Curiosity sure, but my curiosity wonders with all this talk of Ron and Lavender..."  
  
"Yes, it is certainly interesting. I always thought they were a good couple, but my best mates social status wasn't my biggest concern at that time."  
  
"Right, but still. I've seen Lavender since and I'm wondering if it wouldn't be the slightest bit presumptuous to try and get them back together."  
  
"I know it's not my place, but I think it would be presumptuous."  
  
"All the more reason to do it." Hermione grinned. Another way to get back at Ron.  
  
~~~  
  
"Aww, such lovebirds I never did see." Hermione heard someone say quietly.  
  
Hermione struggle in the depths of sleep to try and find her way out, but she was too comfortable. A warm hand was on her back and wherever her head was nested it smelled good and she could hear a strong, steady pulse, whispering like a lullaby.  
  
"You do realize what good people would do in this situation, right dear brother?"  
  
"Nope not a clue."  
  
She heard a sigh. "I suppose that's why we're not good people." 


	8. Precarious situations and strippers name...

A/N: Right, so I haven't been able to log on for the past couple of days, not to mention I hadn't written anything. I had a polo tournament and I took most of my time writing a trippy Sirius ficlet that is shaping up quite nicely if I do say so myself. (Modest, aren't I?) If you ever get in the mood, it should be up in the next couple days. It's called 'A Hero's Welcome' so yeah, there's my shameless plug. Hope you like it. If you've got any ideas feel free to put them in your review! I try to get an end then I change my mind and get another idea. I'm having far too much fun writing this to stop now, so Read, review, enjoy.  
  
"Aww, such lovebirds I never did see." Hermione heard someone say quietly.  
  
Hermione struggled in the depths of sleep to try and find her way out, but she was too comfortable. A warm hand was on her back and wherever her head was nested it smelled good and she could hear a strong, steady pulse, whispering like a lullaby.  
  
"You do realize what good people would do in this situation, right dear brother?"  
  
"Nope not a clue."  
  
She heard a sigh. "I suppose that's why we're not good people."  
  
~~~  
  
Harry felt a gentle nudge and murmuring in his ear, he threw out his arm, trying to get the annoyance away. He was far too comfortable to let it slide away from him. There was a welcome pressure on his chest and warm breath tickled his neck. He smiled as he tightened his grasp on warm flesh.  
  
Another stronger nudge and louder murmur, something like 'Oy.'. Harry moaned and nestled his face into soft, fragrant hair. He knew who it was, in his arms, and didn't want the feeling to end.  
  
~~~  
  
"Well, don't say we didn't try." Fred sighed.  
  
"Poor chap, probably doesn't even know who he's feeling up."  
  
"I'd say he does, that grin doesn't come from anyone that doesn't know whose bra strap they're tangling with."  
  
"He is smitten with Hermione, isn't he?"  
  
"I'd say so."  
  
"Then he won't mind seeing her in a wet tee-shirt."  
  
A look of understanding donned Fred's face and a sly smile crossed it. "Fantastic idea George, it's just the thing."  
  
~~~  
  
Ron woke with a jolt. There had been a scream, he was sure of it. He got up and streaked down the stairs, turning on a dime, wand ready. If he would have known what the real problem was, he would have stayed in bed.  
  
The scene was splayed before him. Hermione was drenched and had her wand out, George was knocked out on the ground, Harry was wet as well, with no wand, but Fred was equally knocked out.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry Ron, I didn't know it was them." Hermione pleaded.  
  
"I knew who it was." Harry said, looking down at Fred.  
  
Ron shook his head, as if clearing it and tried to form a sentence to display his emotions; it wasn't working. "What- wait- I dunno- er-" He just gave up. "What happened here?"  
  
Both Hermione and Harry turned red. Ron tried, with great effort, because it was still quite early in the morning, to put pieces together. His two best friends were in front of him, turning something very close to maroon, looking wet and disheveled. His brothers were on the floor, and he assumed they were the ones to throw water on Harry and Hermione.  
  
Ron gasped. "Harry, I would have never believed it. In my own house, on my couch?" Harry looked at him curiously, but Ron was on a tirade. He began to pace. "I'm never going to be able to sit there again. I can't believe you. You'll be lucky if I don't tell mum. She'll be ashamed of you."  
  
It was Hermione's turn to gasp. Harry was still confused.  
  
"Ron we didn't-"  
  
Ron put up a hand. "Don't tell me."  
  
Harry finally got it. "Ron, we didn't shag!"  
  
Before Ron could say anything George came to. George propped himself up on his elbows and grinned. "Well done Harry. Would have never expected it from you."  
  
~~~  
  
Hermione threw a pinch of floo powder into the fireplace and yelled "Witch Weekly, style center."  
  
The scene slowly came into view. Hundreds of people were walking back and forth, most half dressed and even more with stacks of garments in every color. A woman in only a bra and a skirt came up.  
  
"So who are you looking for?" She asked snappishly.  
  
"Er, Lavender Brown, but if she's busy-"  
  
"Nonsense, she's not doing a damn thing. LAVENDER, GET YOUR LAZY ARSE OVER HERE!"  
  
Lavender came traipsing up, like there wasn't a care in the world. "Yes, your highness?" She said with a little bow. The woman sniffed daintily and pointed to the fire. "Hello Hermione, something wrong?"  
  
At this point the manner less woman's eyes grew as though she was being blown up like a balloon. "You're Hermione Granger?" She gasped. "Is Harry good in bed?"  
  
Lavender almost audibly growled. "What business of it is yours? Get back to your shoot and put a shirt on, no one's got any singles nor poles here."  
  
The woman glared and gave a very rude gesture before turning toward the dressing rooms.  
  
"Who was that?" Hermione asked.  
  
"That was Candy McKay, also known as Ms. Potato head, she's got a different face for every person. Also a former stripper who got into Witch Weekly by sleeping her way in. She does the gaudiest shoots you've ever seen. Andre` and I hate her."  
  
"Oh,"  
  
"So what's up?"  
  
Hermione tried to rally her thoughts and acting abilities quickly. When creating the right face she began. "Well, today is Mrs. Weasley's birthday and I can't figure out what to wear with-"  
  
She put up a hand. "Say no more. I'll bring an emergency kit from here and I'll be there in two minutes."  
  
~~~  
  
"Madeline, come on!" Small Colin squeaked.  
  
"No Colin, he told me not to let you out of my sight and I won't." The mousy brown haired girl said.  
  
"Would you jump off a bridge if Ron told you to?" He put his miniture hands on his tiny hips.  
  
"No, of course not!" She yipped.  
  
"Well then this isn't any different, that is unreasonable and so it this."  
  
"I suppose..."  
  
"Yes?" He said pacing on her desk.  
  
"He didn't actually specify..."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"He didn't really say that..."  
  
"Yes?!?"  
  
"I guess I will let you out!" She said resolutely, slamming a fist on her desk. There was a small splat sound. "Oh Colin? Oh Colin I'm so sorry!"  
  
~~~  
  
"A male Gynecologist is like an Auto mechanic who's never owned a car." ~Carrie Snow…  
  
Smile! 


	9. author's note

All right, I don't know what's going on with the format, but right currently, I can't fix it, so please just bare with it. Amazon-princess copied it to word and that helped her. I was dumb and didn't preview it and I don't want to take it down until I know I can fix the problem, so sorry!  
  
P.S. Amazon-princess, no review is too long! 


	10. Birthday surprises and my buddy Frank

A/N: Okay, it's pretty much open season on Ron, many wishes of forgiveness to the Ron enthusiasts. Anywho, sorry for the might bit of a delay. I got tried up with work and water polo and when I was home I was tired. Yeah, I'm a dead beat. Oh well! Feel free to give ideas and positive criticism! Read, Review, Enjoy!  
  
P.S. I know spectate isn't a word, but it's a fun fake one!  
  
~~~  
  
"He still thinks you did it." George said, unsuccessfully hiding a grin.  
  
The identical grin beside him opened his mouth as well. "Sort of makes you wish you did, doesn't it?"  
  
"Shove yourselves off the roof please. I don't wish I did it-"  
  
"So you did do it?" George asked.  
  
"Good man! I hoped you would get some soon."  
  
"Maybe that dislodged the stick up Hermione's arse." George added.  
  
"Eww, bad thoughts mate, bad thoughts." Fred said covering his ears and shutting his eyes.  
  
"Not that way, you dolt."  
  
"Both of you please shut it." Harry said irritably. "My sex life-"  
  
"-Or lack there of-" George added.  
  
"-Is none of our business." Fred finished. "We've heard that one before, did we take notice?"  
  
"No, now if you would like to rephrase that to include terrible death and dismemberment-"  
  
"-We still won't pay attention!"  
  
"But we give points for imagination." They both grinned.  
  
~~~  
  
Fred and George were soon back to normal, but not after some handy work from Petra. They weren't the only things that received some magical enhancement. Music blared from no where, pictures of family that couldn't attend were hung on larger walls than there used to be. Banners flew and streamers were hung, this was to be a truly grand event.  
  
People were arriving by the tons. Anyone and everyone that Mrs. Weasley had ever knitted a sweater for came through that door (Do you realize how many people that is?). Aunts and uncles poured in and pinched cheeks, friends that had been treated like family brought presents, and almost every teacher at Hogwarts attended the event. Since the defeat of the dark lord, any and every moment to celebrate has been done in grand style. This was no different.  
  
Harry had yet to actually see Hermione since this morning. She was always somewhere else. He had also missed Ron, but that was more on purpose than anything else. Just as he was about to seek her out he was stopped.  
  
"Quite everyone! Quite, she's coming!" Petra said as Bill turned out the lights and Percy stopped the music.  
  
The door creaked open and instantly everyone yelled. "SURPRISE!"  
  
"Oh, I didn't know you all cared so much!" Colin gushed. He wiped away a false tear and fanned himself. "Oh, my! Oh, I just don't know what to say."  
  
"IS THAT THE STRIPPER I ORDERED?" Tonks yelled from the back.  
  
"Yes ma'am." Colin said with an American accent and a convincing swagger. He swung his hips and started to lift his shirt. "Bow Chika Bow wow." He began, supplying his own music.  
  
"Colin that's enough, get in here!" Ginny said grabbing his arm and slamming the door.  
  
"I knew you couldn't stand to see me with another girl." Colin said coyly.  
  
Before he could see Ginny's expression the lights dimmed once more and everyone grew quite.  
  
Once more the door creaked open and everyone yelled. "SURPRISE!"  
  
Mrs. Weasley did much the same gushing as Colin, only with much more sincere tears. She hugged her sons, each in turn, and her daughters. This included Hermione, Petra, and Harry.  
  
"So what's your Birthday wish mum?" Charlie asked as the music began to play.  
  
She thought for a moment. "That everyone here has as much love in their lives as I do." Everyone nodded at her profound answer. She grinned a grin far too much like her twins'. "And that everyone dance. I don't care how awkward you think you look," She said with a glance at Harry. "you will dance."  
  
"You heard the woman!" Bill said taking his wife's hand.  
  
Hermione glanced around, looking for a partner. The twins took this moment to give their friend a kick in the right direction... literally.  
  
"Ow, oh, sorry Hermione." Harry said blushing a bit. He was rendered speechless for a moment. Hermione's thin, gauze like dress had his jaw on the floor. It covered just enough skin for her to be comfortable, but showed enough to have Harry reeling. Very shaggable, but not too slutty.  
  
"I won't dance, don't ask me..." Frank Sanatra hummed in the background.  
  
"I suppose this is your theme song?" Hermione said with a raise eyebrow.  
  
"I must say, I believe in the thoughts behind it," He sighed. "but I suppose the show must go on." He said offering a hand.  
  
"You heard the woman." Hermione said, taking it.  
  
~~~  
  
Ron looked about, trying to find someone to dance with. All his cousins were otherwise occupied and most of the people there had brought dates. He scanned for another few minutes, before hearing a content sigh beside him.  
  
"Such lovebirds I never did see." A familiar voice said.  
  
Ron turned and was shocked. In his house, on his mother's birthday, was Lavender Brown wearing a particularly fetching strapless, Lavender sundress. He wasn't sure weather he was should be outraged or ask her to dance.  
  
She decided for him. "Well, are you going to ask me to dance, or will I have to cut in between the twins?" ?" She didn't even let him answer. It was clear who wore the trousers in the relationship.  
  
They began dancing, but soon Lavender was forced to comment.  
  
"You can touch me you know! I'm not some bloody cousin."  
  
Ron, since regaining his senses (a little) replied harshly. "Don't you order me around! And since when are you allowed in my house? During my mother's birthday!"  
  
"I was helping Hermione. I have a heart for the girl despite her poor choice in friends." Ron made to reply, but Lavender was on a roll. "And besides, you should thank me, I'm helping you too, you ungrateful git. And besides that, your mother always liked me!"  
  
"And I've always wondered why."  
  
"Oh don't start with me, I've dealt with far worse than you today."  
  
"Really? I could make it worth your while." He said with a malicious grin.  
  
"Don't tempt me, Ronnikins."  
  
"Don't pull out the pet names, the time is far gone for that."  
  
"You can use any pet name you want on me." She said overly sweetly.  
  
"I don't suppose tramp is an option." He muttered.  
  
"Tramp?" She said with an open mouth. By now she had stopped dancing. "You really are a jerk." She said pulling out of his grasp.  
  
"You chose now to get offended?" He said patronizingly.  
  
~~~  
  
The twins had been watching the whole ordeal with interest. They had even stopped their Irish jig to spectate. Everyone looked over and became silent at the sound of flesh cracking on flesh.  
  
The twins just shook their heads.  
  
"Like a fellow once said-" Fred started.  
  
"-Ain't love a kick in the head." George finished with a sigh.  
  
"Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." ~Hedy Lamarr 


	11. funny words and smoking ears

A/N: Another chapter! Well I would just like to tell you all that I have another story if you would like to check it out. It's called 'A Hero's Welcome'. Everyone who's reviewed it seems to like it so far. It's about what's beyond the veil for Sirius. Though if you would like to read the best romance story on the net you would have to go onto my favorites list and read 'The Way' by Recna den eres. It truly is a masterpiece. Well, so much for that, here's another installment of my only multi-chapter story, so Read, Review, Enjoy!  
  
"You chose now to get offended?" He said patronizingly.  
  
"Now does seem to be the best time." She said walking away. Ron followed her.  
  
"Well, you were never the one to take things at the right time." Ron said over the din of the party.  
  
"What does that mean?" She asked, mounting the stairs. "And why are you following me?"  
  
"I'm a good host and want to show you the door, but newsflash, this isn't the way to it!"  
  
"Who said I was going to the door? I need a fireplace. Besides, you're avoiding my question." She said with a glance back.  
  
"I'm not avoiding it, I refuse to answer." Ron said trying to keep up with her. For being in heels, she was fast.  
  
She began opening every door there was in the extended hallway. She mounted another set of rickety stairs. "I'm sorry, but I don't happen to speak moron so I'm going to need a translation."  
  
"Pardon me, but I can't translate into selfish bitch." Ron answered.  
  
She turned, stopped for a moment and leaned up against a door. "Everyone can speak that, they just have to feel it enough, you were rather good at it while we were dating." She folded her arms. "So, you see, it's not as hard as you found the language of love to be." Right then Ron lost his breath for a moment. Lavender, to him, had never looked prettier than when she was mad and trying to hide it. Right now she was livid and this took away all sense Ron currently own and had at his command.  
  
Ron put propped himself against the door with his hand over her shoulder. He leaned in a bit. "Perhaps you could give me lessons?"  
  
She leaned in with him and whispered. "I can't really teach it, it's one of those things you have to learn by demonstration." All while she was doing this she had reached down, ever so slowly, to the knob. Right when was entirely committed to the kiss, she ripped the door handle to the side. The product is obvious.  
  
By the time Ron had righted himself Lavender was gone. With her, taking every harsh feeling Ron had taken toward the girl.  
  
Ron sighed, with his head hung, and went back to the party, still thinking of what might have been.  
  
~~~  
  
"Do you remember how Ron and Lav broke up?" Fred ask curiously of Colin as he got a drink.  
  
"Oh, everyone remembers that. Lavender was screaming at the top of her lungs that it was over and she never wanted to see his slimy cheating face ever again. Then he yelled 'who needs you?' and started to rant about something. I never quite heard what."  
  
"Interesting." George replied.  
  
"Quite," Fred added, stroking his chin.  
  
"But what actually initiated the break up,"  
  
"Might we ask?"  
  
"You might ask, but you'll never get answer. I don't think anyone remembers or knows. Just those two."  
  
"Perhaps, dear brother, we could do some investigating?" George grinned.  
  
"Could be fun."  
  
"Ooh! I'll get the big magnifying glass!" Colin cheered.  
  
~~~  
  
"Don't take our key's Mum," Fred slurred.  
  
"We're perfectly sober... so-ber, what a funny word." George giggled, along with his brother who supported a very sloshed Colin.  
  
"Gin, that's a funny word too. I think that's what I had." Fred agreed.  
  
"I think Gin is the prettiest word ever." Colin said as he fell off Fred's shoulder onto the ground.  
  
"No, you boys are staying right here with me." She hoisted Colin off the ground as simply as she would a fallen dish towel. "Are you three going so late?"  
  
"Yes, Mrs. Weasley." Hermione said sleepily.  
  
"Yeah, I'm afraid we've got work mum." Ron shrugged.  
  
"You know," Ginny thought aloud, glancing at Colin. "I've covered for Marissa enough, she owes me one, and it is quite late. If you've still got room I think I'll stay."  
  
"But Ginny-" Ron said with an expressive glance at Harry and Hermione.  
  
She smoothly knelt down beside the couch and tapped Mad-eye Moody on the shoulder.  
  
"Moody." She said softly. "Moody."  
  
He flung his wand like a sword and yelled. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" On the opposite wall three pictures fell and one of the clocks springs popped out.  
  
"Calm down. I was just telling you that your group left without you and they don't seem to have been kind enough to leave you your broom. Ron's about to leave, would you like a seat?" She said sweetly.  
  
Moody looked somewhat perplexed as this girl whom he had seen punch Draco Malfoy and shout profanities at several teachers (of course not the ones that deserved respect), talk to him as though he were a slow five year old. He was so lost in thought he just nodded along. Before he knew what was going on he was being helped into the front seat of a car driven by the second to youngest Weasley. As he strapped himself in he figured he was allowed some sort of word in.  
  
"I heard about your jaunt in your father's car second year. I'll have none of that funny business while I'm in the car. I'll be keeping my eyes on you, especially this one" He pointed to his swirling crystal blue eye. He leaned back and kept on. "Constant vigilance my boy. Constant vigilance."  
  
~~~  
  
Harry dragged himself into Ron's office the next morning after about an hour of sleep. It would have been more in the car, but Moody was snoring and talking in his sleep. Something about 'constant vigilance' and 'no, it wasn't his baby'.  
  
"Does any body ask Moddy what's in that flask? I could have sworn he smelled like bourbon." Harry said, plopping into a beige armchair.  
  
"Asprin, or pepper-up potion?" Ron asked, not taking his eyes off what he was reading.  
  
"A little of both." Harry popped two aspirin in his mouth and took a swig of the steaming bottle on Ron's desk. He shook his head and blinked for a moment, a small wafting of smoke coming out of his ears. He cleared his throat and blinked a bit again.  
  
"Strong huh? I haven't seen Hermione so I couldn't make her do it for me." Harry didn't say anything in response. He still seemed to be tasting the potion. "Oh hey, check this out," He cleared his throat. " 'This is your week Leo. You know what you want and so does everyone else, so you better get it or your friends will be forced to hurt you.' Pretty on target, wouldn't you say?" Harry was just looking down at his shoes. "Well if you need any more encouragement than the people at Witch Weekly I don't know what to do."  
  
He finally opened his mouth. "It wouldn't be more encouraging if Hermione didn't already have a boyfriend."  
  
Ron looked at him. "This is disastrous! She can't do this to me!" Harry gave Ron a look of utter disbelief. "Because- because-" He was searching for a reason other than it would cost him a lot of money. "because for the mission's sake we need her to be only seen with you. It will seem suspicious if she's gallivanting with other men."  
  
"What am I supposed to do about it? She's having breakfast with Richard." He spat the name like poison.  
  
Ron was racking his brain. "Er... I... oh! I've got it! Do you know where they're having breakfast?"  
  
"Yes, but what am I going to do? Barge in and take her out by force?"  
  
"No, nope, you're going to take these," Ron reached into his desk and pulled out a box of chocolates. "and say they're from Ron. He was so sorry for thinking we shagged and he said he would fire me if I didn't get these to you right away."  
  
"Unconvincing." Harry said. "What happens when I get there, drop them off and she wants me to leave?"  
  
"Channel Colin." He said simply. "Be rude and sit down, bring up as many fond memories of you two as you can and just be all gushing over Hermione but ignore Richard."  
  
"Why don't we just send the real Colin, he's far better at things like this."  
  
"I would, but he's at my mum's house still," Ron growled. "With Ginny."  
  
~~~  
  
Colin was going to die; or at least that's what it felt like. His head ached, his arms felt like putty and every bruise he had ever receive felt like new again. He couldn't imagine feeling well ever again.  
  
"No more Sangria, ever again." He moaned. He heard a laugh like sweet bells. He tried to open his eyes, but he could only get a peek. "I really am dead."  
  
"Why do you say that?" A voice asked.  
  
"Because there's an angel by my bed so this certainly can't be hell."  
  
"Then again, it could be Mrs. Weasley's house." She said.  
  
"You're right, an angel lives there too."  
  
~~  
  
When Ginny came down for breakfast, only Mrs. Weasley was there.  
  
"Well, my Angel, you seem to have not told me about something important." She taunted.  
  
"You spied on me!"  
  
"I was only going to check Colin, but when I saw you were in there I figured you had taken the liberty. I only heard part of it, but he seems quite taken with you."  
  
"Mum, he had a hangover, he didn't know what he was saying."  
  
"Yes, that's right, because I'm sure he wouldn't have told the truth if he hadn't had one."  
  
Ginny rolled her eyes. "Believe what you want mum, but I'll keep thinking it wasn't true."  
  
~~  
  
"I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it?"~ Joan Baez 


	12. Peculiar candies and loincloths

A/N: Oooh, this is getting more fun. All right. This took a while because my computer was down for a few days, sorry! Anywho, I'll make this short and sweet. The fire has now come under Colin, so he'll be getting a little heat in the next chapter, but I hope you'll all see the sweetheart I see him as. Right, so no review is too long and no thought to inane for this little author. So read, review, enjoy!  
  
Harry poked his head into the small pub. It was one of those places that had been owned and operated by the same family for about a hundred years and still had the same staff.  
  
A waitress with jowls longer than a basset hounds' came up. "All alone sonny?" She smiled a toothless grin.  
  
"NO! er, I mean, no, I'm looking for a friend of mine. She's already gotten a table."  
  
The woman looked crestfallen. "Name?" She asked lamely.  
  
"Hermione Granger."  
  
She checked her clipboard. "Yes, she came in with some bloke. You're a lot more handsome, if I do say so me self. I'd wager you'll win her."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"With a pretty girl like that? What am I supposed to expect? If it comes to fighting, he's a lot bigger than you are, but you know what they say," She shrugged, leading him to the table. "good things come in small packages." Before he could get a word of protest in she shushed him. "Hush now, if you'd like some sage like advice from a woman well beyond her years in romance, I'd say wait here, behind that wall and time will give you an opening to punch him and giver her that candy. Patience is a virtue, dear." She gave another toothless grin and left.  
  
Harry was speechless. But speechless doesn't mean above using the advice of creepy old women who smell like goats. If he could avoid sitting down and making himself known, it would be fantastic.  
  
Don't get Harry wrong, he was all for not letting Richard date Hermione, but if it was his choice he would like to avoid the Neanderthal way of getting women. That way only having the option of knocking your future wife with a very big brick and carting her off in a bag. For some reason, that way didn't appeal to him. Search me.  
  
~~~  
  
Hermione was surprised, to say the least, when she ran into Richard outside of her flat. When he asked if she wanted to go to breakfast she was floored, but delighted nonetheless. She called into work and told Harry. It was obvious he was nonplussed about the deal, but she wasn't going to cancel just because Harry didn't like it.  
  
But the whole morning she couldn't shake the feeling she was somehow cheating on Harry.  
  
"It's been so long." Richard said, scooting his chair next to hers.  
  
"Yes, I have missed you." Hermione answered sweetly. "You should have written me something, my mother has my address."  
  
"I just really wanted to see you in person. You've really grown-up." Richard said coyly, eyeing her up and down. He put a hand on her thigh. "I've really grown-up too."  
  
Hermione, pushed his and off. "Are you really sure you've grown-up? I see a lot of you as a seventeen year old coming out."  
  
"You'll never know until we get to know each other a little better." He put his hand back on her thigh and trailed it up a little higher. "A little more, in-depth."  
  
Well, Hermione had some very choice words to say and a slap to give, but she never got a chance.  
  
~~~  
  
Harry was almost going to loose hope when something peculiar caught his eye. He saw something change in Richard's countenance, a flicker in his eyes really. The hairs on Harry's neck were prickling and the words "Constant vigilance" were echoing in his mind. Harry was pondering this when he saw a hand laid on Hermione. I don't know how accomplished you are in neurology, but I believe what this is called is down shifting. Every single one of Harry's educated thoughts disappeared and were replaced with the primal, barbaric urge to hit that man over the head and take Hermione off over his shoulder. He also thought the loin cloth would make him look sexy, but that's beside the point.  
  
Harry came out from his hiding place, metal candy box in hand, and ripped Richard's chair back. Richard hit the floor with a clang and immediately stood up.  
  
"Well if it isn't the famous Harry Potter-" Richard never got another word out because, with the ease and quickness of a born seeker, Harry hit Richard over the head with the candy.  
  
"Oh, bless my soul, I knew he was a knight in shining armor the entire time! Good choice, he is a hell of a lot more handsome, girly, and a whole lot more guts than that thing." The old woman cheered beside a table. She addressed the table she was supposed to be serving. "Dinner and a show every morning and Petrie's Pub." She gave another toothless grin.  
  
Once again Richard hit the ground. Harry looked up and grinned sheepishly, holding out the candy. "These are for you, from Ron. He says sorry."  
  
Hermione walked up to him and slapped him right there. "Ron says sorry? I believe you should be saying sorry! You just knocked out my friend!"  
  
"Your friend? You don't understand Hermione-"  
  
She cut him off. "Just because someone wants me you knock him out? I'm not your property Harry!"  
  
"But Hermione-"  
  
She put up her hand. "Don't 'but Hermione' me. I've had enough Harry." She grabbed her handbag and began to walk away. Then she stopped right when she was even with Harry and held out her hand. He mechanically handed her the dented box of candy. And with that in hand, she left.  
  
~~~  
  
"Well, at least you got the candy." Lavender said, flipping open the tin, sitting on the scratch wooden table at the back of the pub. "A little dented, but tasty all the same." She picked up a dark chocolate square and popped it in her mouth. Her eyes opened wide and a huge dopey grin spread across her face. Her pupils became huge.  
  
Hermione rubbed her eyes and sighed. "I just don't understand it,"  
  
Lavender picked up her glass and held it to the light. "Neither to I." She said airily, moving the glass around and following it with her eyes, which were now dilated to an alarming size.  
  
Hermione dug her head into arms. "He was so sweet a few days ago. At the party he was the sweetest guy and now he's a complete git."  
  
Lavender slide from her chair to the floor. "I'm scared." She said with her mouth open.  
  
"I'm scared too!" She moaned into her arms. "I'm scared he's not Harry anymore."  
  
"No, I'm scared of the gnomes." Lavender tried to hide behind a leg of the table.  
  
Hermione lifted her head and looked under the table. "Lavender? Why are you down there?"  
  
Lavender shook her head and her eyes went back to normal. She dislodged herself from the table leg and stood up. "You wouldn't believe me." Lavender said, dusting herself off.  
  
"Well, I just don't understand this."  
  
Lavender was looking at the chocolate guide, trying to match them. "Here, this might help."  
  
Hermione popped it into her mouth. Once she swallowed, recognition crossed her face. "Of course. He was doing that because he was jealous. Harry was just trying to help me. Richard isn't usually like that. It's obvious. He didn't know Harry was famous so someone must have possessed Richard! And the meaning of life is so obvious it's-" Hermione grabbed her head for a moment and gritted her teeth. "Ouch, cold ache!" She rubbed her forehead and blinked a couple times. She shook her head for a moment. "What was that?"  
  
"I haven't a clue, but I'm sure these aren't normal. That one was called 'Kick-me, it's obvious'."  
  
"Well, that cleared up a few things."  
  
"Good, well it was just in time, here he comes." Lavender gestured to the door where Harry and Ron were coming in.  
  
"Well, time to face the music." She said, standing to meet Harry at the bar. Ron, for once, took the hint and went to another table, studiously avoiding Lavender's gaze. Lavender sighed and popped another chocolate, absent-mindedly into her mouth. She felt the change instantly and wanted to kick herself.  
  
"Well," She thought. "This is going to be painful."  
  
~~  
  
"Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it."~ Tallulah Bankhead.  
  
P.S. Just a bit of a poll, would any of you be interested in a Pansy/Draco fic? I've been working on one and I'm wondering, even though it will be less light-hearted, but it will still have little quips and humor, if anyone here would read it. If you've read any of my other stories, it might be one of those mixed with this. Well, yeah, that was random, but I'm wondering. 


	13. under the influence of chocolate cake an...

A/N: Delays, delays. Hell week has started in water polo and the last week of work is in motion so I was being a dead beat. Oh well! If you all want to check it out, my Pansy and Draco story is up, in it's fledgling chapters, so there! Happy, happy, joy, joy! Read, review, enjoy.  
  
~~  
  
Ron looked down at the tabletop, knowing the second he looked up his eyes would be drawn to Lavender. After the way she humiliated him he was hardly in the mood to talk, or even look. He restricted himself to tracing the carvings in the scratched woods with his finger.  
  
"I will not look up... I will not look up... I will not look up..." Was his inner mantra. "I will not..." He felt a tap on his shoulder and instantly was connected with Lavender's soft blue eyes.  
  
They were half-lidded and seducing. He knew she knew this and he was trying everything in his power to resist them.  
  
"Yes, Lavender? Can I do anything for you? Like showing you the way out?"  
  
"No," She purred. "I just wanted to be near you. It's just been far too long."  
  
"You might not remember last evening, but I do perfectly well." He said coldly. He may not be the sharpest tack in the box, but he had a feeling something was up.  
  
"I was trying to keep you away, you were far too close." Lavender moaned, touching his arm.  
  
"You could have pushed me away any time."  
  
"But now I want you close to me, oh so close." She took this opportunity to straddle him in the chair.  
  
"Lavender I don't know what sick trick you're trying to play, but it won't work on me." He tried to lift her off, but she was in a more- er- advantageous position.  
  
"I'm not trying to play any sort of game Ronny. I really miss you."  
  
Ron heard the truth in her voice, and any living, breathing man, would have taken this opportunity to shag her senseless, but Ron saw something in her eyes that made him quite sure this wasn't the Lavender he knew. Doing anything now would be far less than honorable and doing something (we all know what) while the real Lavender was away was hardly any sort of way to get back into Lav's good graces.  
  
"Lavender, I don't believe you're well right now, so please get off me, so I can go about forgetting this."  
  
"Why would you want to forget my profession of love?" Lavender asked, with wide-eyed innocence.  
  
Yep, this wasn't Lavender. She couldn't pull off innocence if she tried.  
  
"Lavender, if you don't get off me right now, you might say something that you'd rather not. And besides that, choosing between this person and you, I like you better when you're slapping me."  
  
"That's kinky darling. I could slap you if you wanted."  
  
That was the last straw. Ron stood up, with no though as to where Lavender might end up (she obviously was dumped onto the floor). "For your sake I hope you don't remember this." With out a look back, he left, leaving Lavender to slowly come back to her senses.  
  
"Yep, that was painful." She growled from the floor.  
  
~~~  
  
Things on Hermione's front were resolved quickly, though not in the sort of way you'd hope for, but stiff, sort of- well- the Harry and Hermione way. She didn't melt into his arms and shower him with kisses for his gallantry, but gave him a reproof for knocking one of her friend out. She also thanked him, but instructed him to do it in a more civilized manner next time.  
  
Next time. That's the thing with these two. There will always be attacks on them and there will always be a bit of celebrity to deal with, but they handle it, and they handle it well. Hermione is the only person kind, but firm enough to deal with the flocks of young girls who follow him and not get jealous. And Harry is one of the few men who could deal with Hermione always being more intelligent and having a better way to do things than he has. They have found a balance, and though Ron might be going about it the wrong way, he's got the right idea, getting those to together. As long as he doesn't muck it up too bad...  
  
~~~  
  
"Colin, I know this is none of our business," Fred began, while they ate breakfast, or actually a late lunch in the burrow kitchen.  
  
"but is Ginny actually worth the trouble?" George finished, through a mound of eggs being sloshed in his mouth.  
  
"What trouble?"  
  
"Well, Ron being your boss,"  
  
"For one, and what about the fact, we'll have to harass you too."  
  
"Brotherly duties and all." Fred shrugged.  
  
"Yes, she is worth it. She's worth everything." Colin said, willing them to understand. "She's just so perfect."  
  
"Perfect?"  
  
"Our sister?" They looked at each other in shocked disbelief.  
  
"you haven't spent much time with her,"  
  
"have you?"  
  
"I have, we were in the same year and all." He shrugged. "And I've liked her since about third year. She was just so brave and nice. It was like having a sister to lean on. Then she just became more beautiful and charming."  
  
Fred and George began to gag.  
  
"Scoff if you want, but I really like her."  
  
Fred and George stopped, and they sighed identical sighs.  
  
"Well, if you put it that way,"  
  
"We'll have to help." George shrugged. "Another brotherly duty I suppose."  
  
"Who knows, this might make up for the fact we'll have to kick the crap out of you later."  
  
~~~  
  
Ginny couldn't stop thinking about what her mother had said. She had strong conviction in what she had said, but mother's always right.  
  
She tried to divert herself with Witch Weekly, but found no solace in the horoscopes.  
  
"Dear Libra, Try as you might, but you can't get him out of your head, can you? Yes he's a goof and yes he's a prankster, but did you ever think sometimes that's what you need? Go against your better judgment Libra. Under all that is a witty, bonafide, romantic prince charming."  
  
Yeah, no help, what so ever.  
  
She sighed and looked around her room for another source of amusement and distraction. She didn't live in the burrow anymore so her room was lacking in some of the finer comforts, but her bookshelf still held some books she had grown out of.  
  
She looked over the immaculate, dustless spines (what kind of house did you think Mrs. Weasley kept?) and read some of them.  
  
'How to Prank a Prankerster.', 'Living With Brothers and Surviving.', 'The Love of a Gryffindor', and her personal favorite, 'Passionate Trousers'. With this little jaunt down memory lane came her diary. To get the spookiness away from her previous experience with them, her parents gotten her a red leather-bound book with the Gryffindor insignia. On the cover there read the Gryffindor motto: "Decus non solum amor" or "Virtue but also passion.".  
  
Picked that one and opened it slowly, as if she went any faster it would break. She looked at the pages with her juvenile hand writing and went back over to the bed.  
  
~~~  
  
"What does she like to eat?" Colin asked, looking into the refrigerator.  
  
The twins looked at each other and shrugged. "Do we bloody look like we know what she eats?" George asked.  
  
"You've lived with her for her entire life, I figured you might be of some help!"  
  
"Like we actually looked at her eating habits?" Fred asked, almost appalled at the thought that he should know his sister's favorite foods.  
  
"Well there was once." George said with a look on his face like thinking hurt him. "She asked for mashed potatoes so while mum wasn't looking we threw a backwards white brownie into it."  
  
"I remember, that was hilarious! and we figured out that they don't work as well as we'd have hoped."  
  
"Yeah, Gin wasn't able to put her clothes on straight for weeks. That and her ear was where her nose used to be."  
  
Colin looked slightly amused for a moment then stifled his oncoming laughter with a reproving look. "Well, what did you eat on her birthday?" Colin pushed aside the rainbow flakes with actual rainbow, and tried to navigate his way in the cluttered cabinets that were filled with things half used from the party.  
  
"I always enjoyed her birthday,"  
  
"Yeah, Chocolate cake is the easiest to prank with,"  
  
"and mum's is delicious."  
  
"All right, so chocolate cake and mash it is then." Colin said, looking satisfied.  
  
~~~  
  
"When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. " ~ An ancient saying  
  
~~~ 


End file.
